I am, once again, in the depths. My long, tiring journey home ended last night at 10pm and at 6am this morning, I left it behind again for three days in Epsom. I’ve left DM (with whom I’ve just shared a tearful goodbye at the station) and the dogs, who were less understanding and no less miserable, of me leaving them. It’s so hard to explain, even to an intelligent soul like a border collie, that I’ll be back in a few days….all they see is me packing yet again and they just know that my suitcase being out is a symbol that I will be going out and not coming home for some time. Three days in a dog’s life is like three weeks in our lives.

At the moment, I don’t know how to get to work…..do I change at Guildford or Dorking? I don’t know if I have anywhere to stay tonight and I don’t know how I will get through the day with only around three hours sleep last night piling on top of the already exhausted state of my body. Worry about forgetting something I need or sleeping through the alarm has kept me awake for most of the night. Both DM and I were so wired that I doubt he had any more sleep than I did.

Time to resort to sleeping pills, I think though only the ‘soft’ OTC Nytol (antihistamine based). Lunchtime today will involve a trip to a pharmacy. If I don’t get some rest soon, I think I will implode.

I know this is self-inflicted pain but I don’t think I realised just how difficult this leap in the dark would be. How stupid can you be? Weirdly I thought it’d be difficult to find work and in the event it has been easy. Since I started telling people of our plans to move, I have had so many job offers coming out of the woodwork that I’ve been spoiled for choice.

Soon, I will find myself able to bring my life back under control and I will be in charge of the reins. Someday very soon.

People have said to me that this takes courage, but let me tell you now that this was borne of fear not courage. Fear of dying of a heart attack at 50 or of living life as a lonely old woman who pushed DM away by working too many hours and being away too much. I have never felt the slightest bit courageous since we started this journey into the unknown.

This photo was taken from the window of the train at dawn as the train was hurtling towards Exeter on route between Cornwall and London. The fog meant the colour was almost non-existent so what little was left got removed by me.

Last year, I was starting to realise these changes that we're undertaking now were the only way forward for me and the year before, I was photographing feathers!

Apologies to all for not being able to post properly - I am stuck in an hotel miles from the office and with no broadband or access to the internet. I'm posting this after work from my office. I will try to catch up tomorrow....