Change of seasons

Well, now I guess this is a quandry
I went to Baltimore yesterday (and was quite tired after).
This morning when I got up and went to work, I stopped at Starbucks.
Now, I had stopped there Tuesday as well, and everything was normal.
Today (Thursday) everything was different.
Everything was CHRISTMAS!!!
Now, normally that would not be such a big deal.
This happens every year. The seasons change, Christmas comes.
It is the circle that we all live through every year.
However, this year has been very different for me.
With the whole divorce thing going on, I missed the whole year.
The entire summer went by, and I missed it.
The fall has come and the leaves are almost off the trees.
Yet for some reason the change in the color of my Starbucks cup made me think.
All of a sudden I looked up and saw the world.
I saw how much has been taken away from me this year.
My entire life is wrapped up in this divorce.
In a lot of ways, it has paralized my life.
I just feel stuck in the mud right now.
I have signed the papers, but I don't know where to turn next.
Has she signed? Has her lawyer? What form?
The time this is taking is just tearing me apart.
I want to heal from this.
I want to know where I am.
I can not until some judge bangs a gavel.
That is just unfair.
Uncertainty is the hardest emotion for me.
Not knowing just rips me up inside.
I have had that uneasy feeling for more than 6 months now.
It is the constant within me.
It just festers there with no end.
Again, I know it will end at some point, but that is out of my control.
That would be known as a double whammy to me.
So here I am writing these words.
Taking pictures of the changes around me.
In pain from the uncertainty caused be her.
I am hurt. I am pained. I am mad.
She once told me that all anger is based on hurt.
Well what happens when she caused the hurt?

So yes, it has been a bad week.
Looking at how much this has hurt me makes it worse.
Seeing the seasons change but still being in a daze sucks.
I now know the emotion I will feel when this is done.
It will not be joy, it will not be sadness, it won't even be anger.
It will be "relief".