12.30.10
This is what I do when I am happy, sad, content, worried, and everything in-between. I made a small basket. LOL... Today I can't say I have been happy but I have felt worried, anxious, sad, guilty and even content somewhere in there.
My brother, Albert, died a year ago today. He was only 6 mo. older than Russ. From leaving my family's house we went right to a funeral of a friend of my daughter's. Her mom sadly died New Year's from a car accident leaving behind young children that struggle without their mom's presence.
My cousin Billy Ray died in April...just as suddenly as Albert.
Spring break was a welcome relief...Family came to visit and then our dog Fluffy Sue dies...I had let Fluffy Sue stay with my mother after Albert died and then our poor old dog dies too....but she had been with us for spring break before she died so that meant a lot to us. We called Grandma Connie and Fluffy Sue the "little old ladies".
The summer slides in a not so good direction. By the time birthdays come around, in August, all hell breaks loose and more pain, hurt feelings, isolation, saddness, anger and that feeling of how did we ever get to this point settles in. Truthfully I am waiting for the other shoe to drop....
Most 2 days of the week I would listen to this old song by Emilio....It's Not The End Of The World (but a damn good start!). One the way to work and back. If I was really low I might even put it on the spanish version and try to sing that (No I can't speak spanish). Now I can kinda laugh about it....but geesh I have been pretty pitiful all year. I have felt like a rag doll that had almost everything shook out of me.
We had our Thanksgiving Feast at work and most people are brought to tears with all the wonderful blessings of the year. I wish I could say I felt that way too but I brought my corner down in tears with all the feelings I really had. I said how I felt...truely felt and made everyone cry. I think sometimes I should have taken a hiatus from work but I didn't. I worked and cried worked and cried. So I didn't have a breakdown after all ..And things have continually improved. The song talks about how you think you can't go on....that you will never have anything to be happy about....But the world doesn't stop because of a broken heart...the moon's gonna rise...the tide's gonna fall...you won't die of a broken heart...you will feel stronger and God never gives you more than you can bear. Expect the hard times and still give thanks. And Thank Him for bringing you thru the ashes. I am so glad this year is almost over and I am ready for a new year....new cd :).....and a little time to just be....
Back to today...so I sit at home and sew today maybe tommorrow and that is good for me. I feel guilty becaue my mother asked me to come see her and I didn't. I didn't go to my cousin's funeral. All I could think about in my selfishness was Albert and him being dead a year....trying to get thru a conversation and not crying. I think I needed to stay home....and just be. I love my famiy in spirit and heart....regardless of I see them often or not. So today Donnie was put to rest. I hope he does Rest In Peace. He had 3 young children and young wife. What tough times ahead for awhile. Pray for the Freeland Family. My aunt is my daddy's sister. She has outlived her parents, all her siblings, one child and now a grandchild (loosing both son and a grandson this year). How devestating for her. I love Aunt Jean so much. She reminds me a lot of my dad. I miss that there are not more family around. He has been dead for 26+ years...and days like this I really miss him.
To end the year...I am grateful and love my family..Russ & girls are everything to me...and they are all doing well right now. Thank you very much! extended: we are what we are...i love you all....
Try to be content with what you have...where you are...no do-overs...No looking over you shoulder. Cowboy up! Give God the Glory...even when you don't feel like it. He will amaze you and always be with you. So here's to a NEW YEAR! God be with you. I am gonna work on a NEW CD for a new year, new ring tone....and working thru my quiling fabric stash because that is what makes me happy. Be happy and do your best. NO DO OVERS!