August 31, 2009
A simple plan
Breathe, stop.
Granddad did it
With a shotgun
So young
I never knew him
I wonder if he felt
As I do now
Am I beginning to know him
in a way I had never hoped?
April 20, 2009
unhappiness lives in the gap
**
the gap between who I want to be
and the reality of who I actually am
**
the secret to happiness
is really so simple
**
never measure myself
against the gap in front
only the one behind
January 14, 2009
I missed you today
in the quiet moments
it's quiet now
come home soon
January 12, 2009
Monday night walk
past the school
a meeting inside
addicts of alcohol
collectively struggle
against individual weakness
I do not judge them
in their anonymity
promising to be less
than they were before
I just pass by
silently thankful
that my addiction
does not have a group
trying to take it away from me
January 8, 2009
back in your corner son
you cannot do that
there are rules you know
rules against that kind of behavior
we make the rules
we are society
and we say that you cannot do that
how would it be fair
for you to do something
that makes you happy
while the rest of us do not
we must all be miserable together
January 7, 2009
I am a writer
I can give you meaning
I can give you enlightenment
I am important
you should read
what I write
so that you might see
as clearly as me
so that you might think
as clearly as me
or is it “as clearly as I?”
…are you still there?
I’m such a loser
January 6, 2009
every day
small decisions
to do or not to do
a cumulative effect
defining the trajectory of life
January 4, 2009
Road Rage
**
did you just cut me off
did you just try to hit me
are you f***ing serious
bring it on mother f***er
I’ll destroy your stupid ass
if I had a gun…
if I knew where you lived…
I’d rid the earth of your entire family
Darwin would thank me
**
it’s my right of way afterall
and your life
isn’t worth more than that
God Bless America
January 1, 2009
New Year’s Day
**
wasn’t today supposed to be different
better somehow
wasn’t I supposed to do…
wasn’t I supposed to be…
**
fooled again
by the me of yesterday
promising the me of tomorrow
a better life
**
that guy is such an ass
December 28, 2008
secrets
**
I have a few
ok, many
but yours are worse
I know they are
otherwise
how could I live with myself
**
you are not a bad person
just slightly worse than me
I still accept you
**
now I feel better…
about myself
another secret
December 14, 2008
do I deserve trust
for how I am now
much better than I was before
is forgiveness the key
or is it time
can trust ever be recovered
truly?
May 12, 2007
news story yesterday
morality, a result of brain chemistry
disturbing repercussions to consider
Darwinian changes upon us
April 27, 2007
on the surface
I will be polite
inside...
you are selfish
fucking selfish
how long do you think I will put up with it
fuck off
and have a nice day
April 26
destruction of self
how can a mind contemplate such a thing
a precarious balance
between reason and emotion
a lifelong battle for some
a fleeting glimpse into darkness for others
if it can't be, why should it
caring drifts away
emptiness is left
the battle begins
April 13, 2007
sometimes it feels better not to see so clearly
when happiness is taken away
the mind copes by reshaping the past
to a form which closely resembles the truth
a form which ultimately meets acceptance
and then life goes on
March 26, 2007
it's the simple things
that I remember at the end of the day
her waiting outside for me
arriving home at the end of the workday
lounging in the splendid air of springtime
shedding cherry blossom trees creating snow globe visions
a cat cries for attention
a hole dug by the dog
conversation about happiness together
my partial detachment from it all
me outside of me
wondering if things ever really will be
simple after all
March 22, 2007
has my fate chosen me or have I chosen it
sometimes it seems easier to just give up
what is the worst that can happen
who am I kidding
fate has me by the throat
March 21, 2007
fifty years on
what will be of this place
what will be of me
is it important to be remembered
who will remember those who have passed here
a dark truth awaits
happiness resides in avoiding the answer
March 11, 2007
I am the good that I do
nothing penetrates the soul as much
as seeing one's good grow in the world
March 7, 2006
a split second
too many to count
beauty here and then gone
I don't think she saw me
I will forever see her
March 4
sunday, the day of rest
the world goes on doing what it will do
leaves falling, spring waiting to renew
why is it that religious men
inventing this day of rest
cannot see beyond their blessed conflicts
causes of their own creation
**
life goes on beyond these men
mocking them in their pettiness
February 1
no work today
weather shut down the city
it's not so bad
we just collectively decided to be lazy
time to catch up on some reading
enjoy the moment
these times we steal for ourselves
are times we remember most fondly
the details fade with time
but the beauty of the moment remains
January 22
spoke with an old friend recently
first time in a long time
a couple of years in fact
such a selective communicator
only speaking up when life is at extremes
this time he was happy
which is good for me
for he
is me
they say those of healthy mind
speak out loud
with no one there to hear
these conversations with self
ever revealing
beware a prolonged silence
January 3
full moon
can't sleep
same as last night
and the night before
so long like this
can't remember when sleep was a joy
anxiety fills the night
dread a constant gift from my pillow
slipping further away from myself
not seeing the way back
pray sleep takes me soon
away from this nightmare of consciousness
December 28
the beckoning promise of a new year
draws forth resolutions against past demons
resolutions disguised in idealistic expectation
ever deceitful in their contracts
for in the end human nature will once again prevail
the demons sure to return
...
but lets enjoy the moment for what it is
it only comes once a year
December 11
I make my own way
no promise of reward
deserving has no place
tomorrow is never certain
life goes on anyway
sweeping me along
what is this crazy balancing act
and how do I get off
December 10
faith and hope
seemingly two sides of the same coin
upon examination
an unexpected dichotomy just beneath the surface
one side fatalistic
one side optimistic
seldom given more than a moment's thought
December 4
daily decisions
some bigger than others
repercussions for a lifetime
a path not taken
regret in the womb
preparing for a quiet moment to haunt
December 2
ahh, the curse of the aging man
never lost for appreciation
but becoming more invisible every day
...
many a mid-life crisis begins
when this invisibility is finally recognized
November 28
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
blah blah blah
happy birthday to me
...
got out and rode the bike today
attempting to slow the aging process
November 27
on the eve of a birthday
look back, consider
look forward, contemplate
mortality competing with potential
thoughts turn to purpose
probably should lose some weight
where is my cake
November 26
Dinner Party
family and friends
making conversation
am I saying enough
or am I a bore
have they noticed
I have not said anything
all night
...
is it normal to wonder if you are thought about afterward
November 21
Heard an economist speak today
I once considered that career path
Wonder where I would be today
Exploring theory and idea with numbers
Creating cases for my own prejudice
Speaking of certainties as though they exist
November 20
Life goes by in fast succession
Spend time on what matters
Worked a long day today
I am good at what I do
I enjoyed the moments with clients and co-workers
And conversations with family in distant places
Nephew wants his 23 dollars from a bet gone bad
I'll put it in the mail, with a note about "next year"
Dinner was waiting on me when I got home
She really loves me
My, did this day go by fast
How fortunate I am that I do not labor all day and struggle to make ends meet
Something to acknowledge on this upcoming holiday
November 17
Two well-known people have died since I last wrote
Both had an indirect impact on my life
One an economist
The other a football coach
The coach more widely celebrated
The economist more widely influential
...
Go Blue
November 16
I realized today that I had dismissed my potential to be a terrific person
I just need to get out of my own way
The first two entries in this diary are proof of the power of my cynicism
A daily struggle ensues to overcome
November 15
A better day today
if for no other reason than I did not work too late
...
I thought a bit today about the propensity of a person's IQ to drop
as soon as they get behind the wheel of a minivan
someone should do a study on that
call it a pet peeve
...
I thought a bit today about photography
so much has been done before
so many take pride in recreating
so quickly the boredom sets in
call it a pet peeve
November 14 (the diary's beginning)
…thought about quitting my job today
It was that kind of day
Thought about how life can feel so mediocre
Such hope that I had as a child long forgotten
Days all seem to look the same now
Like a metronome, sounding a steady passing of time
Hope is left even farther behind
I’ll go to work again tomorrow
What else is there
