Our new sofas arrived, as did some new cushions to “tie the room together”. So, I’m putting my feet up, with the fire lit, a good book and Delia on the telly.

I’ve been really appreciating the things that make me cosy here today. I’ve only just started to sift through the muddle in my head and work out what’s been going on in the last weeks and months. I keep finding a recurring theme in my PAD – work less, be away less, spend more time on home things. It’s been a feature ever since I started this in March 2003. See this "evidence" from 26th December 2003!

Some how, even though I talk the talk, I can’t make myself walk the walk. I just keep saying “yes” when I should say “no”. It’s a basic fact of wanting and needing our business to do well and if there is no-one else to take something on, I’d rather do it myself than allow it to be passed by.

This week, I’m beginning to see this a bit more clearly and to understand that I just don’t have an infinite capacity to keep on doing.

The day I arrived home, feeling like I’d been turned to dust, my folks and DM were so kind and gentle with me that I felt as though I didn’t deserve it. For the first time in weeks, I had a good night’s sleep that night. I went to bed and was “anchored” to stop me floating away on the wind by DM who slid into bed beside me, wrapped himself around me then held me all night. I went to sleep with his arms around me clasping my hands and I woke up in the same embrace.

I slept. That feels like a first in a long time. Since then, I’ve taken a step back, with the wakefulness of the eternally fretting coursing through me like fire.

I need to work out how to relax – I just don’t think it’s in my nature or at least, my nature has forgotten how. Perhaps the comfy sofa will help?

last year, I was feeling good about being "light"!