The spicy: this is a bottle of a very special spicy sauce. It’s Henderson’s Relish and it comes from Sheffield. It’s one of those lovely little secrets that very few folks from outside Sheffield and its environs are aware of but some of us veggies “in the know” know it’s a great alternative to Worcester Sauce which is not vegetarian. Colin brought me three bottles down to Cornwall when he came here last week. Yum.

The super: I’ve been working on my next big Uni assignment non-stop for days and in a bleak moment, when I was thoroughly fed up with it, an ad came on the telly for a Suzuki car. Now in normal circumstances I pay little attention to car ads, having about thruppence-hapenny to rub together as I do. This one, though, is getting under my skin and so I got my BOB hat on and wrote to Suzuki’s head of PR to complain. Despite me sending it on a Sunday morning, within an hour he’d replied. Kudos to him. Big, fat, kudos to him. His reply was really fantastic and I now have a very good, warm feeling towards him and his cars so you never know, if one day I get out of my financial quagmire, I’ll consider a Suzuki! See our exchange below:

Dear Alun

I feel compelled to write to you to tell you how deeply upsetting your advertising campaign is. You seem to have no idea of the misery it has invoked in me. Firstly let me say that I’m not remotely interested in the car – I’m a mature student who drives an old, tatty but well-loved car that cost £500. I can’t see any time in the foreseeable future when I might be be in the market for a fancy thing like the one in the ad.

However, many, many times each day, your ad torments me. The wonderful music in the ad is everything music should be. James Brown’s rasping voice singing “I want you so bad” is lush and hauntingly beautiful. It’s so lovely that I have an earworm the size of my whole skull (my brain has been pushed out to make way for it) and I NEED to own it. I know, I know, having a deep and compelling need to own the music isn’t what you intended when you used it, nor is it becoming in a 50+ year old mature student to be so devoured by consumer greed and this makes me miserable.

Here is where the problem lies. It’s no longer possible to buy this song in any meaningful or acceptable way. The James Brown albums that are still available to buy (and the ones already in my collection) don’t feature the song and this applies both to vinyl and CD. I can’t find a second hand copy of the song in either format for love nor money. It is available as an MP3 but I’m not willing or able to compromise my requirement for quality for a nasty MP3 version. I don’t own any other MP3s and feel certain that to own this song as one would not satisfy my need for ownership.

So, the fact that the ad is shown multiple times every day on the channels of my choice, coupled with your sponsorship of that dire new show on ITV on Friday night, (whoever decided to jump into bed with the “Edge of Heaven” needs to rethink what association with such a terrible show will mean to your brand) means my desire grows stronger while my ability to satisfy that desire remains zero.

I know there is nothing you can do about my plight and frankly why should you care how much the situation distresses me but I want you to know that next time it’d be good if you could choose some crappy song like – er I don’t know – a Cliff Richard number or perhaps something by Simply Red. Hell, I’d even be happy if you chose something good that a sad old punter like me could still nip out and buy...or nip onto Amazon and buy, I don’t mind which. Just don’t choose something great and unavailable!

Yours in deep misery

Linda Mingay

Within the hour I’d had this:

Dear Linda,

Thank you for your email and explanation as to why you dislike the latest Suzuki advert campaign. I will pass on your comments to my colleagues in the marketing area of the company as well as the agencies involved with the choice of accompanying music.

I will certainly enquire for you if the James Brown song was sourced via an MP3 file or another means. If I have success in obtaining a copy more in keeping with the period when first recorded I will of course be in contact.

As I am sure you are aware the song was originally recorded almost 60 years ago I think - this surprised me when I first heard it and enquired as I thought it was from the 1970's perhaps.

I will also make some enquiries with one or two Soul Music broadcasters I know.

Best regards for now.

Alun Parry.

While I’ve been composing my blog, I’ve just noticed another email from this man pinging into my inbox:

Dear Linda,

Following my email this afternoon I have done some research for you on the James Brown song from 1959 that Suzuki is currently using.

A company called Carlingford Music is showing a listing on ebay.com. It is a UK company and is showing a new copy of James Brown - You've got the Power (1956 - 1962). Although a compilation CD from 2012 it is claiming that they are original tracks rather than Digitally re mastered.

'I want you so bad' is track 19 of 25, worth a listen for £4.99.

The email of the seller is a.orchover@tesco.net or on 01702 332297.

I hope this is of some help to you. Perhaps when you are looking to change your car you may consider a Suzuki - even a much older one.

Best regards.

Alun.

Honestly, after the shitty day (not just tedious assignments but losing 1-0 to Norwich didn’t help) I’ve had, these two emails have brought some equilibrium to my world and have restored my faith in humanity. This man has certainly gone above and beyond the call of duty on a Sunday and he clearly is a man after my own heart because he "gets" the original is best view. Alun Parry, you are one of life’s gems - may your cup runneth over and your wishes come true. Thank you!