I’m gonna get them for you Dad…no really – look at my ferocious teeth. They’re scary aren’t they? You wouldn’t like them sunk into your bottom would you now? Don’t worry, I’m not gonna use them on you – I’m reserving them for those horrid people on the telly. See, I told you – I’m scary and I’m gonna get them nasty people for you.

Lola has run off scared but I’m big and brave and strong and I won’t let anyone hurt you…just show me where I can find them and I’ll do it. I promise. I’ll bite them all and I’ll make them so sorry for upsetting you. I know you are upset – I’m sensitive, see. I can tell how miserable they’ve made you and my Mum and I’m gonna get them.

What are they called again? Those red people – the Arse wasn’t it? Or sometimes I know you call them Gooner scumbags. Just tell me where to find them and I’ll sink my teeth into their bottoms and chomp as hard as I can.

Awwww Dad – will that help? Will it make it better? I don’t want you to be sad any more…