Now some of you will know that it’s our queen’s 80th birthday this year and to ‘celebrate’ she (or rather her intrepid PR machine) thought it’d be a jolly good jape to release 80 stunningly banal facts about her majesty for the delight and delectation of her so-called subjects. I won't link you there because it's easy to find - just type into google and away you go.

A cynic (moi, a cynic…..surely NOT I hear you cry) suspects that it’s a vain attempt to take media attention away from errant sons and grandchildren, several of whom have been taking up column inches in our press with tales of lapdancers (which one was that now), alleged A Level cheating (erm, now let me see, who was that one again), drunkenness (er….can’t recall which one that was) and the fact that a poll published in that ‘font of all knowledge’, the Daily Express (well I think it was the Express, it may have been the Mail but who cares really) says that the Brits can’t abide mrs princey and won’t have her as queen. Some of us think the chances of old jug ears ever making it to king are somewhat slim so I don’t know why we’re all so worried. Oh dear, it’s not a good year is it?

Anyway, I was so enthralled by finding out something about the monarchy, that I decided to go and have a pog on this website. It’s full of incredibly dull and tedious stuff about corgis and public engagements so I thought I’d find a way to show my gratitude and I have chosen to do that in a reciprocal ’80 things the queen doen’t know about me’….I hope she appreciates the effort because I’ve gone to a lot of trouble and expense for this:

Piece of red crushed velvet – Southall – Sidhu’s fabric shop £2.
Piece of fake ‘ermine’ – Trago Mills - £4
Glittering tiara - Claire - £3.99
Sceptre (otherwise known as a feather duster) – Trago Mills - £0.65p
Orb (otherwise known as a potato) – St Cleer Farm Shop - £0.10p
Throne – free – Mad Maureen’s cast-off.

So, over the coming weeks, I am going to post a new gallery to celebrate 80 bits of nothing about a complete nobody. Well, rather like the other one actually. As the queen (fact no 32 in the top of the pops hot 100 factoids) is a keen photographer, along with one of her sons – the one that went up to the top of the hill and back for no apparent reason - she might be a regular on pbase, who knows.

No vermin or ermine were harmed in the making of this photo

Shoot me down in flames for being a republican (small r of course)…..if I don’t post tomorrow, I will be in the tower of London awaiting beheading!!!!

Last year, I was watching the Spurs!