Pictured here is a thick sheet of [CLASSIFIED], the hardest substance in existance on Earth (but recognized by only a select few government scientists who are dedicated to fighting The Battle [against an impending Alien invasion] ). Here it is used as target material for testing advanced weapons in a secret government laboratory.

The red pits are the result of a test firing of a resistive fratostat bypass laser (Alien "ray gun"). The ray gun was obtained from the wreckage of a UFO that crashed at [CLASSIFIED]. Even when the trigger of the device was clamped in the "Eliminate With Prejudice" position, the energy emitted by the device spit out in bits, producing the pattern of damage you see here. The pattern is NOT the result of the shooterï’s having a shaky trigger finger.

This multi-strike pattern proves Einstein's Theory of Raygun Pulses. That theory claims that weapons based on the generation of light cannot---even with an infinite amount of energy---emit a steady stream of excited mesophotons for more than a fraction of a second at a time, and that there has to be a recovery period between pulses to prevent a twisting of the space-time continuum.

Of course, that theory contradicts all the fantastic design concepts of science fiction, which envision long-lasting, steady streams of light energy that cut, burn, vaporize, or blow up any type of matter. Remember the red energy beam that crept closer and closer to Agent 007's crotch in the movie "Goldfinger"? It was pure Hollywood fantasy: Einstein's theory demands that such a device would emit a rapid sequence of individual pulses, not a steady beam. This theory also makes "light swords" (as shown in the Star Wars movies) hard to swallow too (pun intended)