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Ian Chappell | all galleries >> THE REST >> archive >> past >> pad2004 >> pad >> March 04 > 14.03.2004
Norwegian Blue
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Norwegian Blue

Monty Python - The Pet Shoppe

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Customer: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Customer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Customer: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Customer: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Customer: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Customer: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Customer: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Customer: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Customer: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
Customer: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Customer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Customer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!


Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Owner: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots. Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.


Customer: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
Customer: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false

Customer: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Customer: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

Customer: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Customer: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Customer: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
Customer: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Customer: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Customer: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

Customer: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Customer: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Customer: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Customer: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Customer: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Customer: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly ...

Canon EOS 10D ,Canon EF 100mm f/2.8 Macro USM
1/200s f/8.0 at 100.0mm iso200 with Flash full exif

other sizes: small medium large original auto
wpmadden16-Mar-2004 06:04
this is a book shop isn't it?
Guest 15-Mar-2004 22:29
Excellent color, lighting and composition!
Linda Alstead15-Mar-2004 20:35
cool - now I understand what DMs is about!
Jill15-Mar-2004 13:34
Guest 15-Mar-2004 11:14
Stark raving bonkers!
Guest 15-Mar-2004 04:05
LOL Love the colors!!! Gotta love Monty Python!
Guest 15-Mar-2004 03:56
You are one funny guy and this is a cool shot! DUDE...NICE!
Guest 15-Mar-2004 01:03
All I can think of is "bird shot." Fun image though and great bit.
brother_mark14-Mar-2004 22:41
I 'ope you didn't nail 'im to the perch to make this shot! He looks a bit stiff. ;)
Guest 14-Mar-2004 22:29
Thanks for this. Had me totally laughing!! You are nuts!
David Mingay14-Mar-2004 22:22
Oh, yes, beautiful plumage. Looks like he's resting...
Guest 14-Mar-2004 22:02
Great shot, Ian. Perfect lighting -- it really brings out the texture in the bird. Thanks for the laugh, too. Love the Pythons.
Guest 14-Mar-2004 21:48
LOL! yes this is getting silly Ian. It was nice to read through it all again, I have it on video somewhere. I must watch it again sometime. And a nice Norwegian blue, I hope you didn't nail it in place!
virginiacoastline14-Mar-2004 21:44
Lesee . .this woulda been Michael Palin & John Cleese or maybe Terry Gilliam?
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