2007

Well this might be a long entry.
There is lots to say and do here as 2007 comes to a close.
2007 started off like most years.
I thought I had my course set for the year.
I started my year in photos with a picture of Binky.
One odd thing about that is that all 4 cats did
not make it into photos until the end of April.
Three of them were there by January 9th,
but Girly did not appear until April.
There were many other shots along the way.
My truck turning 158,000 miles.
Some very nice bird shots (my fav being 1-22-07).
February brought my "artistic" phase.
I just wanted to experiment with my camera and see where it led.
Churches, flowers, snowfalls and portraits followed.
March brought Turkey Vultures, Hawks and golfing in the snow.
April had only a few pictures as spring took over my life.

Then May dawned.

I was sitting on the couch waiting for Karen (my wife).
We were supposed to be going to do something.
As was her normal custom, I was waiting for her.
When she finally came down, I asked if she was ready as I shut off the TV.
She said I should wait there and she would be over in a minute.
Well, she came over and sat down on the couch.
She then said "I don't want to be married anymore".
That is how she broke the news that she was changing my entire life.
Of course I asked the normal questions, counseling, therapy, blah blah blah.
Her mind was totally made up and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I even asked her is this was some kind of "Wizard of Oz" tour
ending back with "There is no place like home" and some such.
Nope, she was done with me and done with our marriage.

So, that leads us up to the first photo from this project.
It was taken May 6th, 2007 as I was sitting in my truck about an hour later
I wish I could explain what made me pull out a camera and snap that.
Was it the news photographer in me just wanting to document the story?
Even I was not sure, but I am so glad I did that.
I am looking at that photo right now.
It was taken behind the movie theatre in Bellingham by 495.
I look forlorn, but I think I was just kind of shocked.
Up until that moment, I thought my whole life was planned.
After that moment, it was all unwritten.
Over the next few days things moved kind of fast.
I really don't recall seeing much of Karen, but I was also avoiding her.
Each day I was doing a photo, and lots of them were of me.
About a week later I went out to dinner with some family and did the "hands" picture.
I really like that picture for a lot of reasons.
Mostly because even when I might fall, my extended family would be there to catch me.
I was going to do a whole "roadkill" series, but it ended after one photo.
The next one was a dead squirrel that I never posted.
It was just going too far, and I was getting mad at the whole thing.

Near the end of May the boat went up for sale.
Obviously that went in to the project in a photo,
along with the last view I had of the boat as I drove away after selling it.

I also posted a photo of my wedding ring.
There is a funny story about that ring.
I always thought I would feel horrible if I ever lost my ring.
So, during the wedding I had a spare with me that I
would keep at home just in case I ever lost my real one.
That way I would always have a ring that was at the ceremony.
I guess I am a hopeless romantic with some stuff.
So the spare ring got thrown in a lake in Mendon a couple months ago.
I just had it with me one day thinking what to do with it.
All of a sudden I was passing this lake, and I just pulled over.
I pulled into a parking lot and went to the edge of the lake.
Zing, I threw it as far as I could and it sank like my marriage.
Of course that still left me with my real one.
There were several ideas about what to do with it.
I could melt it down and sell the gold,
I could take it to Disney and throw it in the Pirates ride in the booty pile.
I took a couple pairs of pliers and snapped it and squished it.
Then I dropped it in the trash can and took the trash out to the curb.
The Waste Management company owns it now ;-)

In the time leading up to Karen's moving out,
for some reason she felt the need to remind
me that she was making the right decision.
She reminded me of that several times (bitch)
She also shared some information about her decision.
She told me that she wanted "The Whole Package" and that was not me.
Let me rephrase that for you, she wanted someone better than me.
In a nutshell, it came down to the fact that I was not good enough for her.
I can not put into words how much she hurt me by saying those things to me.
The lame part is that she was acting like a selfish little bitch,
and she was getting away with it because I did not stop her.
"See you next Tuesday" is the best expression in the world,
followed closely by "I love country music".

There is one picture I want to talk about from June.
It comes from the weekend she moved out called 6-15and16and17-07.
It looks for all the world like I am crying in that photo in anguish.
I was actually recovering from a laughing fit.
Karen had moved out the day before, and I was into the wine.
Before Karen moved I had went out and bought a bottle of Silverado merlot.
It was the first time I had booze in the house since Karen and I lived together.
I had hidden it in my golf bag and had it ready.
I cooked up a steak dinner like you read about,
and I plowed down that entire bottle of wine.
In that picture I am drunk as a skunk and loving it.
In the "uncropped" version of it you can see the face of Tony Soprano behind me.
You can also see the almost empty bottle of wine.
There were many photos with hidden truths in them.
There has been wine and beer in the house since she left.
Oh, and real booze as well as can be seen in 11-01-07 and 11-04-07.
No need to hide it, and oh, I do like beer and wine.

Another photo that needs explaining is 7-15-07.
It looks like any other self-portrait, but it is not.
See I am sitting on top of a cliff in Newport.
Karen and I used to hike here and would often have lunch in this exact spot.
At the time I posted it I wrote "Oh, hats are on sale at the army navy store".
Well I had gone to the army navy store, but I did not buy a hat.
The hat I am wearing is the top hat I wore in the wedding.
Yup, the actual hat I wore when I married her.
I wanted to see if it could swim (nope).
A couple seconds after I took this photo, I cast the hat into the ocean.
I sat there for quite a while it bobbed around in the ocean.
Eventually it started moving away from shore and drifted away.
It really felt good to do that, very healing.
I then went downtown and had scallop chowder and a beer at the Mooring (Yum).

That was about the time I got the new truck.
My old one was getting VERY old and feeling its age.
The thing I didn't want was to be stranded.
I never wanted to get stuck calling that bitch, so new it was.
I have to say, so far so good.
I am very happy with it, and it is so much smoother than the old one.
Right now it is down in the garage sleeping for the winter.
It does come out for the occasional spin to Maine though.
I mostly drive the old one and let it take the pounding of the winter.
I figure if it dies, I just pull out the new one and off I go.
It is comforting to know I have a backup plan with that just in case.

I also sold my Sigma 50-500 around then.
I really was not using it so I thought I should just get the money for it.
Right after selling it I bought the Nikon 12-24 (wow, nice lens).

I really started getting into day trips about that time as well.
I was getting into living life and seeing things.
There were all kinds of places to go and see.
I could not go that long because of the cats.
Samantha has grown more and more fragile over this year.

Patriots training camp also opened up around that time.
I went to a few of them.
On 7-28-07 I made the 19-0 prediction.
Oddly enough I was thinking about how odd it would be
to watch the games without Karen there.
I vowed never again to need to wait until the next day to watch them.
I would be making the schedule alone.

Well August came like a bull.
Everything in the divorce changed in August, and in photos as well.
Things became "unfair" at that point.
I use the word "unfair" because it was and still is.
Karen made it unfair to me.
Up until then we were having a "friendly" divorce.
After then, well, lets just say it did not go well.
I really closed up to a lot of things.

This was, and will always be the toughest time of the divorce.
I could not even open up in photos during that time.
I cut down all the "bloggish" stuff I was adding to the pictures.
I had to because I did not want her reading how I felt.
It was none of her business.
Why should she have insight into me during this.
For a long time I locked out access to this website.

I then hit my "black and white" phase called "The No Color" project.
It is hard to describe what was going on with me during this.
I mean, time was passing, and I was doing things,
but there was an odd quality to life during this time.
The only color photo I posted was on my birthday.
Yeah, I did wrap my presents to myself, those are real.
Oh, I got an iPod and a bunch of CDs.
Every one of them was by a group I liked (how did I know?).

10-7-07 brought about understanding.
It also brought about the end of "The No Color" project.
The entry I wrote that day is very far ranging.
I am saying a lot and I am also not saying everything.
It was the day I decided to fight.
To quote Captain Jean-Luc Picard:
"They invade our space and we fall back.
They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back.
The line must be drawn here, this far, no farther.
And I will make them pay for what they've done!"
That was what rang in my heart that day.
I was ready to battle the woman I had loved.
I was ready to crush her if the need was there.
The fact that she pushed me to that level is something I am mad at.
Karen, you are a bitch and I hate you.
There, I said it (oh, and good luck with that "whole package" thing you idiot).

Ok, lets lighten up a bit (or not).
"The Ambush" should have been the title of 10-8-07.
It is the picture of my garage door opener.
I had read the divorce agreement.
It said that after, anything in our possessions is ours.
Well, I wanted a couple of things.

10-14-07 brought about "Exposed".
If you want to feel vulnerable post a naked picture of yourself online.
If you want to feel brave, well try to be ok while doing the same.
This ended up being one of the most freeing things I have ever done.
I would actually recommend it to people.
It tears away all the layers and just leaves you.
A human being with all your flaws exposed in the world.
It is a very personal thing to allow others to see it.
It is also the most viewed photograph I have ever posted.
Looking back on it, I would do it again.
Even the fear of it when I hit the upload button.
It is a feeling that I relish now.

Alison, 10-16-07
What can I say here.
Ali and John have BEEn instrumental in helping me recover from this emotionally.
I can never thank them for all they have meant to me.
They have done it in two very different ways.
Ali with her support and strength (which have both been amazing).
John with his validation and experience.
With them together, 2 plus 1 is more than 3.
It is hard to describe how I have felt sometimes leaving them.
I get something emotionally out of each time I see them.
There is a peace and understanding I get from them that I have needed during this.

There was then a hodge-podge of pictures after that.
I was going places and seeing things,
but the divorce was still hanging over my head.

Mikey, 10-27-07
The best part was the "country music" joke.
Through all this, that is the one laugh I always have.

There then came some time of self discovery.
I did some drinking.
I also found out that I don't handle booze well.

Of course, some interesting times were ahead.
11-10-07 was one of those days (actually it was taken on 11-9)
It looks like it is just me having a cigar.
It is my second cigar photo in the project.
However, I did not describe what was going on.
I was driving home from my first date since Karen left me.
I stopped to reflect and have a cigar.
It had been an interesting night.
I was exhilarated and happy that I had done it.
Here is a strange part about it,
Karen had called me on the phone while I was driving to the date.
That added a bit to it.
I also wondered to myself if she had found "The Whole Package".
Ok, I am saying that as a joke with sarcasm dripping thick.

11-22-07 brought the best thanksgiving ever.
Fourteen people packed into my condo.
The best part was not pointed out to me until Christmas:
Having so many people to prepare for kept my mind
off of the first holiday since my wife left me.
It worked like a champ and a great time was had be all.
My favorite quote is still written on my white board:
"Thank you! It was Excellent!"
I don't think I will erase that one for a while.

The day after Thanksgiving was the day Karen called me to tell me the divorce date.
This started a very rough couple of weeks.
I really did not do anything during that time.
I sat around, watching TV, drinking beer and waiting.
Time could not pass fast enough.
One thing I worked on was the "Message Project".
I was gathering photos of people giving my wife the finger.
I was using my camera phone for many of the pictures.
It gave me something to think about while I was passing time.
I had a lot of anger in me about the whole thing.
Well, 12-07-07 rolled around and it was the day of the divorce.
I spent a chunk of the morning the same way I spent my wedding morning.
Throwing up in the bathroom.
There was just so much emotion involved with such bad rejection.
Well court came and went.
Really the only thing I said to her was "Bye".
I meant it as well.
I was done with her.
It seems that she expected something different.
I fail to understand why though.
She gave up any right to feel abandoned when she left me.
Does she understand this was her idea.
What the frig does she expect out of me?
She describes me as "Really hurt and angry".
That is not it though, I just do not want anything to do with the bitch.
That is simple, clear and completely valid after what she did.
Leaving the court I wrote "Just Divorced" on the back window of my truck.
I added a big smiley face to it.
Then I went out for coffee!
It took a few days, but I posted "The Message" on 12-10-07.
One story from that picture is the one of me.
Obviously I am the center picture, and that is a special picture.
It was taken at the Patriots vs Bills game on my wedding anniversary!
It was actually hard to put that picture together.
Up until the divorce, I was angry.
After it was done I was relieved.
Everything just dissipated and I was slack for the first time in months.
However, I did put it together, and I am very glad I did.

The rest of the photos for the year are just wrap-ups.
Things I saw, things I did.
It really has been a time of change for me.
I am so glad this all got wrapped up in 2007.
It closes out the year and allows me to start the new year fresh.

It would not be good enough for 2008 to be better than 2007.
I would not set my sights that low.
I am actually looking forward to great things this upcoming year.
I will leave behind many things from 2007.
Really I will be leaving behind much more than just my marriage.
There are many changes that have happened in my life since she left.
I never want to go back to the life I was living before.
I would never again want to be the person I was while I was married to her.

2008 is mine.
There are new things to do.
There are new places to see.
There are new women to flirt with ;-)
Mostly though, there is a feeling of peace.
It is rare that I would give such a personal look into my life.
This is probably MORE exposing than the naked picture of me.
However, it has been said that the truth shall set you free.

Today, I am free.

Welcome to 2008
Or as the Chinese refer to it:
"The year of the Dave"