I had an epiphany today
The event I have been waiting for happened.
I understand this whole thing now.
I get it. It is clear right now.
I thought the event was court.
I thought the gavel banging down
would complete my buying of my freedom.
Really, it was me that kept me caged.
I don't need a judge to tell me I can move on with MY life.
It is my freaking life.

I now understand why divorce is considered as stressful as death.
It is amazing the feelings that get wrapped up in it.
Sometimes, your entire self worth can get wrapped up in it.
When you are completely rejected by your significant other,
that self worth can take more of a beating than you ever imagined.
This was the case with me. The complete rejection of me
led me to think that I was completely unworthy as a human being.
I felt like a melon that had been sliced open and hollowed out.
Now I know why I felt like that. Now I understand.
Today, I fell more like a grape.
I am much smaller in size, but I am growing.
Someday, I will be a melon again, but for now, I'll just be a grape.
Heck, if I could just be a lemon (don't bite into me).
No, that would be too sour. An apple. Yeah, that is the right size.
My own OCDness was making me wait until it was over before feeling ok. Screw that.
I'm missing my life as I wait for time to go by (and it can go so slow).
I want to taste life again. I want to see things, and take pictures of them.
Color pictures. Yes, I want color in my life to replace the darkness.

She led me to think that the world is black and white. That was a lie.
She led me to believe that she would remain true to me. Another lie.
Even her vow was a lie. It suited her at the time.
You keep chasing your illusions. Good luck with that.
I hope you find what you said you were looking for,
because when you do, you will find it empty.
Actually, I already know that you will not find it.
It does not exist. So, you destroyed what you had.
Is it working out how you wanted? Did you find "the whole package"?
You stomped out anything you had here. Scorched earth policy?
Everything I ever felt for you is gone. You killed it all.
I really don't understand how you think we could end as friends now.
If you think that, you have no idea what you have done.
You can't stick each part into a box and keep it seperate.
It does not work that way.
And I am angry that you could even think that to be true.
When you stomp on a butterfly, you can not then ask it to fly to you.
You can not break someones leg and expect them to walk to you.
At some point, your actions remove anything that was good.
It is now to the point that it is just a contract we are ending,
because any of the good feelings have been broken by you.

The no color project is now complete.
There may be more black and white in the future,
but it is now done, finished, wrapped up.
In the span of 20 hours, everything changed.
The whole world is new.
The world has color again.
Mistakes that are not mine are attributed elsewhere.
I finally have a grip on all this crap and it feels good.

I would like to give some shout outs here.
Bruce Fisher, thanks for your insight!
Bob Alberti, you know your the man!
Virginia Satir, thanks for the comments.
Richard, thanks for breaking that.
Russ, thanks for kicking my ass.

In addition, there are 6 people that I could never thank enough.
LH, AH, CS, MH, RC, MM.
4 of you I thank for your unending support.
Your care for me has lightened my heart.
The other 2, well through your mistakes, I have grown.

A couple additional props before the music starts,
Linda, Carolyn, Mimi, Babs, Shirl, Mandy,
thanks to all of you as well.
You will never know how much you helped.
Shouts to my peeps!

The color is back!!!!
Long live color!!!