Today is my last day in San Diego. In some ways, two weeks has been a long time to be away from home. I miss my dog and my friends. Yet, in other ways, two weeks has gone by so very fast. When I am away from home, away from the city, away from my responsible adult life, I am free. When I am participating in my city life (ok, yes, I am being melodramatic... but still...), I feel as though I am in bondage. I am merely doing time until I can shed the shackles of responsiblity and once more run barefoot through a field, chase butterflies on a whim, eat with my fingers, and sleep in the dirt.

I do my very best to incorporate little acts of freedom into my daily life in the city, but it just does not ring the same. My soul and my spirit know that it is not real freedom. I'm just spinning my wheels on the "clover leaf" of life. Oh how I wish that I could figure out how to be me, be responsible and still be free.

Below is an excerpt from my 2005 Trailjournal about the same subject:

So, what is freedom anyway? It seems that in today's society that freedom is a very subjective term. I can't speak for the millions of "lost souls" wandering about their collective lives, but for me, the term has taken on a whole new meaning. I would even push a bit further by saying that most, if not all, people living in a modern "civilized" culture, have absolutely NO concept of true freedom. We are continually bombarded with images and "suggestions" regarding who we should be, how we should look, how we should behave, what we should own, and etc... Is it any wonder that Americans have become this bland homogenized mixture of folks who look alike, talk alike, and want the same useless crap filling up their overflowing city dwellings?

Having been gifted with the opportunity to "step away" from civilized society as we know it, I experienced a brand of freedom that is seldom seen by American adults. Have you ever really closely watched pre-school aged children going about their lives? They appear to be uniquely enthralled with their surroundings, and in my opinion, they are one of the few "demographic" segments of our society that are truly free to be just exactly WHO THEY REALLY ARE. Their minds appear to be, as yet, untouched by the 'shoulds' and 'should nots' of society. They are inventive, enthusiastic, playful and creative. Self-doubt is not yet a part of their psyche. With this mind set, anything and everything is possible. This is my new definition of freedom.

The greatest gift that came to me from spending time alone in the wilderness was the amazing uncensored freedom to be who and what I am, at any given moment, without society's undue influence on my behavior.

The transition back into city living has not been without its difficulties. I miss the freedom. I miss the quiet. I miss the sights and smells and the wind and the ravens. I miss being around people who smile back at me when I smile at them. I miss the simplicity of it all.

The most brilliant revelation I have received as a result of living in the woods for five and a half months is that I don't really need much "stuff" to be happy. In fact, material possessions are a burden and I have been downsizing considerably since I returned to the city.... I just want a calm existence... no clutter.... no chaos... no confusion.

I now have a brilliantly keen understanding of why people come back to the trail year after year. I know that there are treasures to be found on a long distance trail that just don't exist in any other plane.

So, for me, the question is not will I return to the trail. It is rather, when will I return to the trail?!!!