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As Sara and I approached the front gate, I spied in amazement, a large, corseted lady in full costume, between her ample breasts was nestled a small stuffed animal. “Take ye lecherous eyes uff me mouse, yah scoundrel!!!” the woman shouted at me.

Welcome to the Arizona Renaissance Festival just east of Phoenix on a beautiful February day with temperatures in the low 80’s and not a cloud in the sky.

This is one of the largest Renaissance Festivals in the nation, covering over thirty five acres, with 27 different venues and 500 official hosts, all dressed in costumes and in full character of the period. Most have mastered the old English brogue and their vernacular is well practiced with rolling r’s and lines that appear taken from a Shakespearian play. A man carrying thickly salted pretzels on a stick rack above his head calls out, “Twisted bread for twisted people!!” while further along, a young girl in braided hair and budding breasts peeking out of her dress, shouts, “Flowers fur me lady’s har, today!!!” Sorry for the continual references to breasts, but it is truly a mammary event as you can see by the pictures.

The grounds are laid out as a 16 Th century Elizabethan village complete with shops selling an endless variety of goods and services. Interspersed between the many shops are stages of various sizes to accommodate the seemingly endless array of musicians, dancers, comedians, and entertainers. Artists including woodworkers, blacksmiths, weavers and glass blowers display their talents to the crowds and of course are more than willing to encourage you to make a purchase. As one strolls down the winding streets admiring the elaborate costumes of official Renaissance festival hosts, it soon becomes apparent that many of the thousands of people who come to this event each weekend from mid February to the first of April have spent hundreds of dollars on their attire to join in the fun and merriment. If a visitor is so inclined you can rent even a costume for the day.

And then there is the food. If you want to truly indulge, there is a 9 course medieval feast served twice a day complete with servant girls, wandering minstrels and stage shows. We decided to avoid what appeared to be a “caloric catastrophe” and opted instead for more meager fare offered in the many food stands. There were roasted turkey legs which seemed as big as ones arm, corn on the cob, pickles from a crock, sausage sticks, steak on a stake, and a countless variety of bakery goods, desserts and confectionaries. Cold beer, wine, mead, ale and other beverages were available and there was no evidence of any of the festival goers over indulging.

There was a period farm grounds complete with ducks, geese, cows, pigs, sheep and horses and various other animals to pet and admire. And there was one rooster in the top portal of the barn who simply could not stop amazing the crowds with his cockel doodle does.

The shows were continuous at the different stages and included an archery demonstration in the village green complete with the apple on the head shot, harp players, a bull whip demonstration, poetry readings, period dancers and comedians. Each venue had a convenient schedule of upcoming performances with a warning that some were “probably not suitable for children”.

We particularly enjoyed the “The Hey Nunnie, Nunnie” show which boasted two nuns offering a free ticket out of Hell and diddies about loaves and fishes TV dinners and a song describing the different classifications of sin and their general effect on ones chances of entering heaven. The show ended with a medieval classic song “There Were Five Constipated Men in the Bible” including among others, Moses who took a tablet, Cain who wasn’t “able” and Noah who almost “filled” the ark, and one women Eve who “passed” the apple. Hey, Nunnie, Nunnie was a crowd favorite.

But the true highlight of the festival for us was the jousting events which are held three times a day in a large arena on the edge of the village. It was a splendid event complete with the king and queen’s gallery, a trumpet ensemble to announce each event and a cheerleader in each section of the stands to urge on the crowd for either “good or evil” with a thumb up or down. The knights represented France in blue, Spain in black, Italy in green, and of course the crowd favorite representing Good, England, in red and gold. Our guy England won; his long blond hair and handsome profile was a real hit with Sara and the rest of the fair damsels in our section. We ended our day with chocolate truffles and lemonade. We could have spent another full day at the festival and not have seen everything.

If you are ever in the Phoenix areas from mid February to April first, do not, I repeat, do not miss the Renaissance Festival.