472.
So you want to know about the Great Ant War of 2000, do you? Maybe I'll tell you in installments... If my memory serves me well, we had a few weeks of hot weather that summer while Liam was on holiday from school. Out of the gap between two patio slabs, we noticed that the sand had been excavated, and that there was now a hole leading into some subterranean passageways. One of our tasks that summer was to lift some slabs from around the ash tree and dig a flower bed. When we lifted the slabs in question we soon realised that the sand underneath the patio had been taken over by ants, who had created a new city on our sovereign territory. Liam, who was only eight-years-old at the time, declared war on the invaders, and quickly mobilised his armed forces, made up of almost 500 plastic soldiers of various units, including WWII German and Soviet infantry, US marines and British Desert Rats and a couple of Napoleonic units, including Napoleon's Old Guard and the Coldstream Guards. Also included were a few medieval knights, a handful of pirates, some cowboys and about 20 Apache indians. Despite being well supported with artillery, tanks, helicopters and jet fighters, the brave plastic defenders were no match for the ants, and quickly had to resort to weapons of mass destruction, including boiling water and bleach. They put up a brave defence, but even with their technological advantage they were hopelessly outnumbered and soon fighting a desperate rearguard action. Liam asked for volunteers to form suicide units in a last gasp attempt to hold the invaders back. These brave plastic warriors were placed on pyres over the entrances to the ant city where they made the ultimate, and ultimately futile, sacrifice. With the battle over, and our forces defeated, all discipline was lost, and the remaining defenders broke up into small bands spread throughout the garden where many of them resolved to continue a guerilla war against the new patio masters. Most of these men were never heard of again. Recent excavations have, however, uncovered this tap, which is the remains of one of the weapons of mass destruction used by our forces during the last days of the Great Ant War. Perhaps tomorrow I will tell you of the Battle of Greenhouse Ridge, where a mixed unit of 20 unsupported German infantry and US marines held back a force of 3,000 flying ants for almost 30 minutes before being overrun.

Last year Liam was learning how to fly