This shot is coincidental in as much as I didn’t ask DM to pose for this, he’d been reading an article in a photographic journal and was experimenting with light. He did scare Rosie who couldn’t understand why her Dad was behind the curtain going click but when he peeped through she was OK and I took this opportunist shot.

Anyway, I have a confession to make and it’s not pretty. I’ve been dishonest (or perhaps more kindly to my self overly optimistic) in as much as my post of yesterday was a bit lighthearted and was designed to throw people off the scent that I have plunged back into gloom and despair.

You see, I thought I was so much better that I’d be going back to work very soon but again I’ve had it demonstrated that this illness is two steps forward and one back.

When I finally accepted that I am suffering from depression, I read about it in as many places as I could and one of the things I discovered is that it’s one of life’s “dirty little secrets” in as much as people won’t admit to having it and see it as a weakness rather than an illness. I promised myself that I’d not fall into this trap myself and resolved to be honest about it in the hope that it may help someone else in the future.

To this end, despite really feeling that my PAD was not something I wanted to do right now, I resolved to keep going until I’m “out of the woods” and set the date of 7th March as my last day because I didn’t want to just stop when I’m in trouble. 7th March is, as you may know, the end of 5 years of this. I felt that it was more appropriate to "leave gracefully" than simply to implode.

But the truth is I’m finding it hard to be honest. I still feel I have to try to show a face of being OK, no matter how my insides are feeling. Take yesterday for example, I pulled a rabbit out of a bag PAD-wise because I had a big “relapse” and was feeling like the world was caving in yesterday – stupid worries about a friend who I’d managed to convince myself I’d offended in about half a dozen terrible ways. I was making myself sick with fear that I’d been really horrible and that I didn’t deserve the friendship. DM walked into the room and was immediately desperately worried. Even though I was so knotted up, I couldn’t bring myself to give voice to my fears. Eventually he prised it out of me and as it all came tumbling out, I realised just how stupid my fears were. I realised that after a few “good-ish” days, I’d just fallen back with a bang and that the sick fear was part of my illness.

So, here we have it. I am trying to rectify my cowardliness of yesterday by telling the truth today.

My brain is broken. It won’t make the connections it should and although I’m sure I’m getting better, I’m certainly not “fixed”.

The reason for all of this sudden burst is that I felt I’d short-changed someone yesterday. A complete stranger left a truly inspirational comment on my photo yesterday and, along with all of the other kind folks who have also been supporting me, I realised that in some strange way, I’ve touched a few lives but I’d broken my basic promise and so I felt the need to redress the balance.

Nitin (and those who have spoken before Nitin)I thank you deeply for your kind words and your cyber-support. I will think about your request but can’t promise anything at the moment. Thank you for looking in.

last year, chocolate!