OK – it’s not a Christmas Present, after all, who’d open a pressie today not wait until tomorrow?

This is a tale of wanton waste.

This is a key ring that when you whistle for it, it beeps at you to tell you where it is. It came with something I’d ordered from a mail order company. It was something I’d been looking for and not been able to find in any local shops.

I’d mentioned it to my Mum, who helpfully sent me a page from a magazine with an ad for one of these objects on it. I duly logged onto the company’s website and bought the item. Then I realised what a complete idiot I’d been. I got a message back saying that I just needed to register my details for my £10 voucher to use for my next item from them. I declined it.

A few moments later, I received an email telling me my item had been despatched along with my free pen. This is my response:

“Please don't send me the free pen - I really DON'T need this kind of junk - just send me what I've ordered and as long as it's good quality and I don't get endless spam off you, I'll be a happy customer.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter - there is too much needless rubbish generated every day that simply ends up in landfill and I have NO intention of adding to this problem.” – yes, this is cut and pasted from the email – it’s exactly what I sent! I know, I know, I'm a stroppy old bag.

I got a response from the company saying they’d asked for the pen to be removed from my shipment so I was happy……until today that is.

The postie rang the doorbell and she’d got a big package tucked under her arm. My “thing” I thought – how terrific is that? Here before Christmas too. I opened the pack to find my “thing” – just as described and just as I wanted. Hurrah.

Then I noticed the key fob. GGGGGgggggggrrrrrrrrr. I expressly said “no tacky junk”. There was such a sweet note too, telling me that my pen was out of stock so they’d replaced it with another free gift of equally high value. Ggggrrrrrrrrrrr.

DM said “oh don’t be such a misery, I’ll put it on my keys and then I’ll never lose them again.” I softened a bit. He’s rubbish with his keys and loses them all the time. OK I thought, I suppose that if it stops him going “oh where have I put my keys” then it’ll be OK.

Until an hour later, when the keyfob kept going off – the bread machine set it off, the dogs barking set it off, the washing machine set it off and a crap ad for some bloody sale on TV also set it off. So, this is it. DM took a hammer to it and now my prophecy has come true – it’s about to go into a landfill site because it really and truly is utter crap. Someone, somewhere made this using the world’s resources and it was sent to me as a ploy by some crappy company to try to turn me into a loyal customer. All it’s done is to make me vow never to buy another thing off them as long as I live.

All of this because I wanted a loo roll holder on a pole!

Last year, I was shooting cyclamen and feeling gloomy.