Nature is wonderful and therefore it’s basically wrong to tamper with it too much. That’s my garden philosophy. If we have wildflowers let’s celebrate them rather than dig them out or cut them off.

Our lawns are full of violets, primroses, daisies, dandelions and speedwell and I don’t care, in fact I am pleased that this is the case and I do my best to preserve them without being too slavish about it. If they don’t have to be mown over, I don’t. This is one such violet. It’s in the front lawn and it’s survived the first cut of the year.

My studies have taught me that the violet is one of nature’s clever little things. Its flowering sex parts mature at different times so that it get pollinated by neighbouring plants and not its own pollen so that its offspring have a different genetic make-up. If, by some quirk of fate, when it’s nearing its end, it has not yet been pollinated, then it matures so that it can pollinate itself. Isn’t that clever? It means that it can live on even if that living on is less than perfect. I think that’s a wonderful thing. The dandelion next to it pollinates itself happily and doesn’t care that its offspring are genetically the same. I have learned these things since I stated my studies. WOW.

Violets are blue and, if I’m honest, so am I and I’m not at all sure why. I KNOW that I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m not exhausted nor am I stressed in anything like the same way as I was when I was really ill with it a couple of years ago. BUT there is no doubt that the black dog is hanging around me again (and I don’t mean Rosie). We’ve had a few difficulties to deal with but nothing that’s what you’d call major. In fact I feel completely BAD for admitting that I feel blue at all. David has been very conscious of the anxiety levels rising again too.

In the last few weeks I have lost half of my job (I am now only required by my employer on Saturdays not Sundays, which means that half of my already rubbish income has been wiped out in a single blow). My trusty vectra-mobile has gone to the great scrapyard in the sky after my accident in the snow. It was written off and we’ve had to find ourselves emergency new wheels. Thankfully we managed to achieve that so we are now mobile again although getting there was a struggle. I had to go into hospital, just for a day, for a minor op, which went wrong. Although these things have caused me some anxiety, they shouldn’t have been enough to knock me off my perch.

There is a very stressful couple of weeks coming up too. University exams, during which time there is an interview for a job to contend with that, when I applied for it I didn’t realise how critical it might be to me so the stakes are high. My recent interview experiences have been poor – until last year, I had only failed to be offered a job I’d been interviewed for once in my working life. During last year, it happened several times. I am also fretting about the fact that my boss, who’d told me a couple of weeks ago that she’d be happy to act as a reference for me, announced yesterday that she’s off on holiday today and won’t be back for a month. That month’s delay in a reference situation could be a real problem. Then I’m off to the hospital for them to have another go at the op they failed to achieve a couple of weeks ago. Then there is a big “test” of my psyche coming after that too.

None of these things should be causing me so much anxiety but they are.

The other side of the coin is that there are some days when I feel great in as much as I look at the garden and the contents of the greenhouse and am thrilled to bits with my progress. Only a few days ago, my folks were here and they remarked on how happy I seemed, which WAS true at the time. I’m also chuffed with the fact that I’ve ripped out “the hell-hole” (a cupboard in our house that’s been filled with building rubble since shortly after we moved in and had no ceiling), made good all of the holes (the ceiling with DMs help) and turned it into hygienic usable space kitted out for storing garden produce and bread proving. We’ve got a huge stack of free wood thanks to my parents so we’re not going to have to buy any for the foreseeable future. I can see all of these are good.

This thing is coming and going in waves.

So why is it that….

…..Roses are red, violets are blue, weebles wobble and I’m wobbling too ……