This picture breaks my heart. Every time I look at it, it makes me want to cry. This picture is of Hannah doing something that no 10 year old should ever have to do. It is a picture of Hannah making a decision that only Hannah can make. When I look at it, I can still feel the knots in my stomach that I felt as she was desperately trying to wrap her 10 year old mind around what she had to do.

Back in November, Hannah had something happen to her that is hard even for us. She had a friend die. Not of cancer, or some other disease that warns you of impending death. This 10 year old little girl was ice skating with her family and collapsed on the ice. One second she was laughing and having fun and the next second, literally, she was dead. Her mom tried in vain to revive her, as did the medics, for 90 minutes. The doctor said she was dead when she hit the ice.

When I took this, Hannah was trying to decide if she wanted to go to the viewing. That is a hard decision for a 10 year old to make. How do you go and see you dead friend? Just days before, Hannah saw her and she was alive, and laughing, and just being Kiersten. She kept asking me what she should do and I would tell her the pros and cons of each decision but ultimately told her that this was something she had to decide on her own. It was awful and I wanted, more than anything, to fix this for her. To fix this for Kiersten’s mom and dad. To fix this for Kiersten. I am a fixer. Its what I do. I fix people’s problems. I couldn’t fix this.

Hannah decided to go. Luckily when we got there some of her friends were there. She went up to the casket and stood there. Looking at death. Looking at someone her age. She stood there for a long, long time. She said her good-byes to Kiersten and moved on. It was a quiet ride home. I didn’t know quite what to say, so I chose to say nothing. When we got home, Hannah said simply “She looked so pretty.” For the first time in a couple days, there was no crying. She would still talk about Kiersten, but she was able to laugh about her. I think she found closure that night.

Hannah grew up more in one day than she has in ten years. I am so sorry that she had to. I wish I could have protected her from this. I wish life wasn’t unfair. I wish........

The coroner ruled that Kiersten had an irregular heart beat and that there was nothing that anyone could have done to save her or prevent this. I am glad for her parents that they know what happened. I am terrified that my girls could have the same thing.

Every minute is a gift. It can all be taken away from you in the next second. It’s like a plane in a nosedive at night. You know the end is coming, you just don’t know when.

You just never know when.