But Still……

Ella is growing up. That’s the big realization. To some of you, that is obvious. To me it isn’t. Denial has a funny way of doing that to you. It clouds your reality and allows you to believe whatever you want to believe. I chose to believe that Ella was, in fact, NOT growing up. I chose to believe that Ella would need me for everything she did for the next five or six years. This, apparently, is not the case.

There is now a large empty space where Ella’s playpen used to be in the living room. She hasn’t used it for some time, but to remove it would be admitting that she was growing up. Granted, she’s only a year and a half but she doesn’t need, or want to be in, the playpen. When Staci took it down something occurred to me. You see, we’ve taken it down before. Two times actually, with Hannah and then Hailey. We would put it away for the next baby. This time, there isn’t a next baby. This was the last time we would ever put a playpen up, or take it down, for our baby. My last baby is being stolen away from me…..day by day.

Ella is turning into a little girl. Her sisters are great at showing her how to be a little girl. Ella used to be content to let the girls go do their thing while she followed mommy or daddy around the house. Grabbing our pants to be picked up. Showing us this or that. Lately she has been doing her own thing. She’ll play by herself for 45 minutes. She’ll want to go outside with the girls. Every chance she gets, she is at the front door…..waiting for the time when SHE can go out.

I don’t want her to go out. I don’t want to lose my last little baby. I want her to be one year old forever. I know what you guys say. I know that they are fun when they grow up. I know that it’s fun to see the people they turn into. I’m selfish. I don’t want to her to grow up. There isn’t another little baby coming that I can hold, whose cheeks I can caress with my nose, that I can marvel at. There aren’t anymore.

This piece of glass is all that keeps her inside with me. This little piece of glass is all that stops my baby from walking out the door into the big wide world.

I know she is only one and a half but still…….

I know that she still needs me, but still……

I know that she has to grow up.

But still……..