Warning: venting session in progress.

I've avoided it for six years, but Tuesday I have to get on a plane again. When I agreed to the trip I underestimated how afraid of flying I still am.

I've been flying since I was a kid, and lost count somewhere around 500 flights. When I started it was on Northwest Orient, Allegheny, New York Air, People Express and the Eastern Shuttle. I've flown on everything from DC-8s to brand new 777s and flavors of Airbus; from 747s to a 4-seat Piper Warrior with my friend at the controls. Ten days after 9/11 I got right back on a plane. I've flown through a blizzard on an ATR and got hit by lightning on a BA 747 landing in Boston. I was on a DC-10 that took a dive in a storm, after which the captain did a walk-through looking for signs of structural damage. And on top of that I've had hundreds of ordinary flights, many of which were downright pleasant. I actually love flying. It just terrifies me.

I guess I thought by paying my dues, one day I'd get to not be afraid. I keep waiting for it to subside, waiting to be able to eat the day before a flight or fall asleep on a plane. But on my last batch of 5 flights in May 2004, it was worse than ever. This level of sustained anxiety for days before a flight is hard to manage. I'm getting tired of this phobia, and don't understand why it won't go away.

That's all. Maybe putting this all out there will take a bit of the edge off. Maybe not.