Hillary Clinton's Shoes

I struggled to capture this day.
May 6th makes it a year.
One year since my wife sat down on the couch.
One year since she dropped the bomb.
There were many things I though of doing.
This was the only first year marking I had.
I could go back to the parking lot
where I took the first photo of
the anguish project and show a new me.
I could take photos of me leaping for joy.
I could have done any photo I wanted.
In the end I pulled this one out.
All grainy and hard to see.
Yes, I will let Hillary Clinton's Shoes be my photo.
It is the most violent non-sequitur I could muster.

This marks the end of the Anguish Project.
It has served me well.
In these 12 months since it started I
have done many things that helped me heal.
Divorce is such a painful thing to do.
There are so many feelings that come out.
So many hurts and pains.
When you think you are done, you start again.
However through it all, you grow.
Even when you do not intend to, you grow.
I was in anguish that day one year ago.
It was like someone had ripped my heart out.
It felt like that because she had.
Everything in my life changed that day.
Every plan I thought I had ended.
I could never explain how much that hurt.
I am looking at the picture I took of myself that day.
Who the hell sits there in that much pain and
just decides to take a picture of themselves?
I am so glad I took it though because it started this.
Sure, I was doing my "photo a day" thing.
More like "photo when I got to it" thing ;-)
I can still touch my feelings as I took the first picture.
I was just all over the map, confused and lost.
My EX and I did not fight much, almost never.
I was wondering if this was a real one (it was).
I was scared to tell people what had happened.
My EX could be a bit flighty sometimes,
but she clued me in when I got back to the house it was done.
She was really clear on it, no discussion needed.
And now it is a year later on this journey.
I look at my pictures and I think to myself
what an amazing record of this journey I have.
Right from day one of it I have a record.
I have both photos and words to look back on.
Every time I look at them I feel exactly how I felt when I took them.
All the feelings and lessons are right there for me.

So what does this all mean?
Well I have to say that it has been a great year.
I also have to say I am glad she did it.
As I look at the person hurting in the 5-06-07 picture,
I am not sure he would have been able to do it himself.
Heck, he should have in 2005 but he didn't.
He was too loyal for his own good.
He was sitting there still thinking that it would turn around.
I don't think he could verbalize what he was waiting for, but I can.
See, the funny part is that time provides perspective.
There were so many things I could not see sitting in my truck that day.
But life and time are like the soap of the universe.
They wash away the layers until there is truth there in its place.
Yeah, the last week has been pretty interesting in my life.
Really it was just bringing all the dangling bits together.
Wrapping up the loose ends and tying them into a pretty bow.
I did all that now because I wanted it done when the year was up.
I know that is an artificial deadline, but I wanted it all done.
Now that it is done I can be at peace with it all.
I can move on with my life totally free of anything.
Sure, there is more left to do for this man.
I need to name my next photo project, and I need a theme for it.
I guess I will just call today "The Hillary Clinton Shoe Project".
Have a nice day,

Love Dave

PS: Yes, those really are Hillary's feet.