Time, time, time... See what’s become of me...

I’m not the man I used to be.

I’m not the naïve little kid of 10 years old who was awestruck when he first saw Star Wars. Forever grateful to his brother to have engrained this wonder for the universe, space travel, the laws of physics and this fantasy world in which good triumphed over evil. Thank you my brother, even if you are not with us anymore, for sharing with me so many movies of Hollywood in which there was a hero, and in the process showing me how to conduct like one. Thank you for sharing with me all the Indian movies in which morale, family life and how to conduct oneself in the spiritual and family sense were brought to the forefront.

I’m not the green teenager either who at the age of just 19 years old was taken advantage of off his honesty, shyness, sincereness and had his hopes and dreams crushed by people of a city that was nothing short of a snakepit. Thank you life, for showing me what can happen when you open your heart completely only to be answered in dishonesty and ultimately winding up in the hospital because of my true feelings.

I’m not even the young adult who broke free of the shackles of self-doubt. Who picked himself up, persevering often only by power of will. Who night after night dedicated this newly found determination to a better future, not only for his own sake, but for those around him. The ones he held close to his heart. Longing for the innocence of childhood while in his current life people were either amazed at this incredible comeback or downright envious and still were trying to keep him down.

I’m not even the man who was fully aware of his own potential. Fully aware of lives precious lessons which were learned. Who achieved success beyond his wildest imaginations and was enjoying it on a personal as well as a professional level. Respected for his attitude, chain of thought, and overall hard work, some might think he reached the top of the mountain. And why not? After all, in our society success often is seen as a measure of achievement. Guess what boys and girls, it’s not.

All the money, fame and fortune doesn’t mean anything if you are uncertain about yourself. And this is true. Remember the last time when you got hurt by somebody? Did you check your bank-account? Or your social-standing for that matter? No, of course not. And this happened to me. Someone of my past came back in my life. This person latched onto me, not as the man I am now, but as the teenager I was. And I experienced every insecurity like I really was a teenager. How could this be? The answer is, that I thought I had worked everything out of past insecurities, after all I had success, right? Wrong. The pattern was actually quite simple: get accused and then defend yourself. Then claim that everybody else is better than me, so feelings of insecurity got conjured. My mind was processing everything crystal clear, but my feelings were on another planet. It took me years to break free.

Those days are long gone…

According to my loved ones, I am a great man now. For I know now that growth, in the spiritual and personal sense is the true measure of success. My integrity and ability to do positive things for those around me and myself make me great. Funny thing is, I recently met someone of my past. And immediately the accusations started. This time I just shrugged my shoulders. I’m not taking the blame. Is this the way to be in contact with me? How pitiful and sad. If you want to resonate with me, to really connect, than you better be prepared to show me what you’re made of. Are you honest? Do you have the ability to look at your own behaviour?
We’ll see...time will tell….But if you’re not, then move out of my way or you will be moved.

I’m not the man I used to be…
I am the man who unlocked his destiny.

Widjai Nakorikantodas