In a perfect world I could afford a new pair of glasses. These are, well, basically cruddy. They have smeary smudgy pizza dough all over them from last night’s late-night pizza-making session. They have assorted other detritus and muck from being constantly shifted from top of head to in front of eyes and back again.

My problem is that I can’t see a thing close-up without them and I can’t see a thing long-distance with them on. I have four pairs of them, two of which are a two-year-old prescription, the other two are a four-year-old prescription. I have no idea which are which because I was dimwitted enough to buy the same glasses twice in a row...note to self - change the frame if you're changing the script!!!

What I do know is that all four pairs are stretched all to glory because of the perching on top of the head but what’s a girl to do? I can’t go anywhere without them. It’s really annoying when I am in the supermarket and can’t read labels! I’ve tried hanging them from a rope around my neck but until I tried that option I had no idea how much food I drop down me…most of which landed on the glass of my glasses. I must be the messiest eater on the planet. When I die in suspicious circumstances, the forensic scientists will be able to trace my last days by what food is on the lenses of my specs!

Every time I lean forwards, they slip from my bonce and I’ve developed a fantastic reflex action whereby they start to slide and I’m able to pluck them from their freefall before they’ve come to harm. I’d set my heart on a new pair when I got my eyes tested recently but my prescription was so close to the old one, the kind optician suggested that I stuck with what I’d got. That’s all very well but it’d have been so nice to get a pair of bifocals that had clear glass in the top and my prescription in the bottom of the lenses so I wasn’t constantly pulling them on and off my bonce.

Still I suppose the upside is I’ve not had to buy hairclips recently.

...Hey, I've just thought, does this classify as a selfie?