Howdy. I'm Captain Larry Cud, herd leader. Welcome to my world.

That's Wrinkled Ed, and his young apprentice Vealboy.

Vealboy: "My dad grazed in the pasture, my grandfather grazed in the pasture, his father grazed in the pasture blah blah - blah blah - blah blah."

Here's the security guard, but I don't know his name. You know how they come and go. Anyway, unless you have horns or utters, you won't get within 20 feet of that feeder.

Top left is "Bladder Control" Bob, lettin' it rip. One day last week he drank every mud puddle he could find, then stood in one spot and whizzed for thirty minutes. Those are his neighbor Bill's kids, who can't go one day without getting into something.

Elwood Porter has his own version of "pull my finger", called "crank my horn". He might want to rethink that......it came loose after three turns, with a little extra help from the boys, of course.

That's Fred "Slick Black Cadillac" Smith and his family. They're good cow.

Frank, Fred Smith's brother-in-law, is a known bs-er. "See these pines? Planted 'em 15 years ago. See that fence over there? Built it after they widened the road. Ha ha ha...."

Grazing is an acquired skill. Here we see some young'uns observing and learning, except for the one on the far left listening to an egret's rendition of "One Two, Buckle My Shoe".

Intense and unrelenting, these sessions can wear on the young calves' minds, rendering them confused and insolent in a very short time.

Actually, nursery rhymes are common out here in the pasture:
Dullhorn Joe: "Hogs in the garden, catch 'em, Towser."
Margie: "Cows in the cornfield, run, boys, run."

"Ha! - That was us. Corn rules!........... On second thought, that wasn't us. That rhyme's 400 years old. Nevermind."

Fred and Tootsie have different tastes: "We like Mega Disasters on The History Channel. We heard they're gonna show us belching methane, then a huge explosion caused by Vealboy lighting a cigarette, and Florida dislodging from the continent where it floats out to sea and sinks."

They like those scientific shows.......here they are showing off their geometry skills by standing at ninety degree angles.

Don's a member of the staff, in charge of hygiene. Forty licks and you're fresh and ready to go. Over at the right, Melvin tries to convince a reluctant Monkeyhead that he reeks of dung and needs a bath.

That's Greenlips, the white one standing at the upper right. It's not hard to tell where he's been. He overgrazes, and that big mud spot in the bottom right corner looks like his handiwork. But, he'll deny it everytime.

A lot of us are tired of the food here. Says Browngut: "The grass tastes like crap, but that's understandable since there's usually a cowpie within five feet of wherever we're eatin'...Hey, want a piece of ABC Bramble? Ha... ABC - Already Been Chewed".

Here's ol' Rich. He'll talk your ear off, but he's funny. He's got a problem with everything .....
"Yo! What's this "Eat Mor Chikin" ad campaigne with Chick-Fil-A? I got one: -Eat More People- ....Damn carnivores...."

Fred explains how it's not all about chewing cud and grazing: "We can't eat all this. There's over a hundred acres here, and only fifty or so of us, depending on who calls in sick with methane or a stomach ache from bad toadstools. What to do? Just one quick call to Hamburger Helpers, and within minutes a crew arrives to help eat grass, chew cud, cut, bale and stack hay. Just like that."

"Hey while you're out, pick us up a copy of "How Hiram Spent His Shrimp Money". ??? - Well, whatever the hell she's babbling about's gonna have to wait until next time. That's it for me. I'm your host, Horatio Cud. Good day.