050318 by Carl Zimmermann

Carl Zimmermann | all galleries >> obsolete >> Faces of Chemotherapy > 050318


18-MAR-2005

050318

My bone marrow now seems to be infested with cancer, too:

Gemzar does not work (tumour markers are increasing despite chemo) and my blood parameters (leukos etc) are ominously low, even after only one infusion of chemo and neupogen injections.

The MDs want to have me in sterile room for high dose chemo and stem cell transplant (my own stem cells) as soon as possible - most probably the week after the next.

Sometimes I think maybe this is all just a bad dream...

That's life, I guess.

Nikon D70
1/45s f/4.5 at 70.0mm iso1600 full exif

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Carl Zimmermann		01-Apr-2005 07:32
Hello K, concerning my most recent chemo-pic: yes, that was an experience I would not have thought possible. And I would not have thought I could make it through it alive - every second of it was like eternity and I think I continuously mumbled "let it end let it end" and I hoped my heart would just stop and the torture would end. But my heart is very strong and tough (I used to run Marathons when I still was in good health) and would not do me this favour... I will make sure I will never ever receive Carmustine again (together with Cyclophosphamid and Cisplatin, it's now on my "never again for chemo" list...:-)...) Re: going on through this on my own Well no! - my beautiful Lady, my parents and my brother were and are with me and help me through these stormy seas. It would be very hard alone... I do not like the idea of self hypnosis. Positive thinking, that's hard to express. I AM very positive in my thinking. And yes, I think it is very helpful to have a positive attitude. But I think one can't force this. Some people are positive, some are not. That's just the way it is... Thank you for writing, regards, Carl

K		31-Mar-2005 12:10
Hey there, Thanks for the reply. I have just seen your most recent pic and I must say, that experience sounded awful!! but if it helps you then it has to be worth it. I hope you are still managing to smile and keep your sense of humour. It must be unbelievably tough, tougher than i could imagine but its so great to see you stay positive throughout this. I hope you arent going through all of this on your own? Can i ask, have you ever tried self hypnosis cds for relaxation, positive thinking etc. I have heard that they can be very helpful?

Carl Zimmermann		22-Mar-2005 16:59
Hello K, thank you for writing. Well, life sure is a roller coaster, but in my opinion, life also is fair: it's my innermost belief that everything in life happens for a definite purpose. I feel that nothing just happens to "torture" people. Everything that happens really makes perfect sense - it's us who often do not see this sense. Re: sharing I want people to see what cancer can do to people and that life does not always mean happy sunshine. People are so fixed on being nothing but young, successful, healthy - they look away when they see something that is not like the dubious heroes of the commercials or movies. It's like they completley ignore that there can't be only winners. I want to tell them: wake up, there are "losers" (using the "shiny happy people" standards which are so common today) out there - actually, there are far more losers out there then winners. Also I want to show fellow suffers that even though it's definitly not a good time, it's possible to live through it. Re: try to stay positive I stay positive as I always have been. Actually, I have always been the only one on the hematology who was always walking around with a big smile, even when feeling like shit. I found it helps during chemo and also speeds recovery afterwards. But most of the people are not very happy in such a situation. Not at all. I guess one can't force good temper... Best regards, Carl

K		22-Mar-2005 14:15
Im so sorry you are having to go through this. You are right Life isnt fair. Its a complete rollercoaster ride. Please try to stay positive. I have had two family members touched by the dreaded cancer and they are both real fighters and are still with us. Its a brave thing that you do posting your journey here to share with others and i hope you find it theraputic too. I will send you positive thoughts x