Anguish

In case you needed to
know what it looks like

Here is a graphic representation

Sitting in my truck, not knowing which way to turn.
Pain around every corner. I was stunned. Shocked in fact.
I always could count on you telling me when we were off track.
I just never expected you to tell me like that.


I'm sorry I could not be what you changed into wanting.
I'm sorry for not recognizing that we had gone off the rails.
I feel like a fool. I feel like that because you just told me I was one.

UPDATE (Aug): Well, I was writing a bunch of cathartic stuff here.
Unfortunately circumstances have made it that I need
to play things close to the vest for a while.
Sorry, but the blog is on hold for now.

ANOTHER UPDATE (Oct): Ok, I am still writing here.
My problem when I closed it was that I was scared.
I'm not scared anymore. This project is mine!

-Dave

Gosh, another Update, Feb 08:
There were so many things I did not
understand when this picture was taken.
So many lessons I had to learn.
I now clearly understand what I was feeling.
I also VERY clearly understand why.
It took almost 9 months to figure out.
The whole thing became clear to me.
The past few years came into focus.
The DOF was spot on.
Exposure was perfect.
Everything was lit just right.
And there it was staring back at me.
I had almost forgotten about it.
I had pushed it so far away in the past couple years.
It was the issue that ended my marriage.
The strange part is that my ex-wife does not know it.
She knew it then, but I think she forgot.
Actually that is not true, she knew about it,
but I do not think she understood the impact of it.
Is it odd that she completed the circle?
Is it odd that her not listening to me
years ago is the reason she left me?
Can you even wrap your head around that?
Sure, it sounds fucking crazy because you don't know what I know.
However, trust me on this one, it is not crazy at all.
In fact, it is sort of funny.
Cognitive dissonance, thoughts one way, and actions another.
Did I play a part in that?
Oh you betcha, a big one.
I still think my part was logical.
Even with my 20-20 hindsight looking.
Sure, that same hindsight let me see
exactly why my marriage failed.
Heck, I could point to the day it happened,
and sadly enough that date was not May 6, 2007.
It was years before that.
I find it very healing to have such
a clear understanding of it now.
I think that will allow me to now move on.
Thanks for stopping by.
-Dave

Oh, and as an update to that update,
I am 100% sure that if you asked my ex,
she would see it completely opposite of me.
If she had no reason to listen to me while we were married,
why would she have any need to listen to me now?
And the cool part about it is that it does not matter now.
We are fully done, and nothing will ever change that.
I am not saying that out of defeat, I say it out of....
Hmmm, what the heck and I trying to say?
Oh, I am saying that I glad it is over.
I am glad that the situation is so dry to me.
I would not change it back for anything now.
This is good.

Update - May, 2008
Wow, what a picture this is.
All of a sudden I wanted to look at it again.
I went to the last page, and there I was.
I still feel so much when I look at this one.
But what I feel is totally different.
I think it changes every few months.
Today I see a man who was lost.
I also see a man about to start an adventure.
I had no idea what kind of favor she did for me.
In fact it was probably the nicest thing she ever did for me.
I know that was not the intention, but it was the result.
I think I may be starting to forgive her for all of this.
Forgiveness is a funny thing with me.
It takes a long time to come.
However, I think I understand her better now.
I was actually thinking about that over the weekend.
I was out having a great time this weekend.
Things are just going well for me right now.
And then I imagined how they were for her.
(not that I actually want to know or anything)
I realized that she did not get that much joy out of life.
Sure, she did things, but it was more like work to her.
It was never just purely out of the joy of doing it.
Like it was a mission that needed to be completed.
I realized that the walk I took 2 days ago
contained more pure joy than any I took while we were together.
So now I look back at the broken Dave in the picture here.
And it is not a projection of pain I feel.
It is also one of joy that I express in words.
Dude, just wait until you see the adventures ahead.
Your life did not just end, it just began.
As you grow and expand over the next year
you will be shocked at the things you learn.
Enjoy them with a passion, because this life started on that day.
As you go through the pain and through the running
you will arrive at a whole new world.
Have a great day there.

UPDATE - 9-12-2010
I wish I could go back in time.
I would climb into the truck that day.
I would tell this guy a lot of things.
I would tell him he will meet the love of his life.
He will just need to wait a bit for that.
I would tell him that this is the best thing.
I would explain the past few years.
Not just since then, but the few before.
I would put life into perspective for him.
We would take a picture together.
And he would be smiling at his future.
But none of that I can do.
So I will just thank him for being strong.
Have a great day!