It’s a Difference - Not a Defect.

I don’t like to play games, to run screaming and shouting through the playground. Not then, not now. I’m not the life and soul of the party but the person on the edges trying to find someone to talk to, to connect. I’ve always been this way and suspect that I always will. I’m happy with it. I’m not trying to be difficult. Being reserved and even a little inhibited should not be a threat to others. We all have our comfort threshold.
I won’t “get over it.” I won’t “enjoy myself if I just learn to relax and join in.” Because, if I force myself to join in I won’t be relaxed. I’ll be uncomfortable, forced, nervous and looking to escape. Others will sense this, if they have the sensitivity. They will understand that their fun is not mine.
This does not mean that like Garbo, I want to be alone. This is not the hermit option. I enjoy the company of others immensely. It is essential to me. Sartre wrote a play based on the idea that “Hell is other people,” and in that, for me, he was very wrong. But I think smaller is better. Being part of a small group of friends enjoying a decent meal or a gallery or a performance is my idea of a very good time indeed. I would rather go for a drive with a couple of friends than join a bus tour. I enjoy watching others playing, enjoying themselves, willingly making fools of themselves but it is not for me in most situations. If I think I can, I’ll enter. Otherwise, that’s me on the sideline, enjoying the spectacle. And, I am enjoying it. Perhaps it is well to remember that in life, most of us will be in the crowd, not in the team.
In situations where I do feel comfortable, like the classroom or with friends, I can be brave and loud and funny and perform. But still, I do not dance and sing. I recognise myself in students and treat their choice with respect. To do differently would be a form of abuse. Forcing an shy and unwilling student to give a speech or participate in a simulation or game is as invalid as forcing every student in science to dissect a rat. The process has enormous educational value and the objection may be invalid or inconvenient but it must be respected when a little gentle persuasion does not work.

Choosing to be quiet and detached does not make me nervous. Far more intimidating is the attention of those who think I’m not enjoying myself just because I’m not flailing around as they are. On the occasions when I surrender because they are insistent and it’s easier to say yes, I regret. I regret that I didn’t enjoy it and that I was too cowardly to refuse. Equally, when I do baulk at the fence, I regret the resentment and annoyance that this generates in others. A ‘no-win’ situation. So, I develop defensive postures and roles for my own protection. Photography works because it allows an intimate relationship between the subject and photographer or a deep immersion in the landscape. Perhaps the camera is a defensive barrier at times but it allows others to assign me a role instantly – “Oh, he’s just taking some photographs,” and that makes them more comfortable even if they would rather not be photographed (a squeamishness that I struggle to understand). I can participate on my own terms and I can be competent. It even allows me to separate myself at times, to go and do something else for a while and then return.

Someone said, “What do you have to lose by joining in?” Not my dignity – that fades with age of course. Not my control because I know how little of that I am allowed. No, I lose my personal comfort and my right to just say “No, I don’t feel happy doing that.” And the right to have that decision respected.