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andrew fildes | profile | all galleries >> click >> All The Other Stuff >> Iconoclastic Observations >> The Right to be Shy | tree view | thumbnails | slideshow |
Choosing to be quiet and detached does not make me nervous. Far more intimidating is the attention of those who think I’m not enjoying myself just because I’m not flailing around as they are. On the occasions when I surrender because they are insistent and it’s easier to say yes, I regret. I regret that I didn’t enjoy it and that I was too cowardly to refuse. Equally, when I do baulk at the fence, I regret the resentment and annoyance that this generates in others. A ‘no-win’ situation. So, I develop defensive postures and roles for my own protection. Photography works because it allows an intimate relationship between the subject and photographer or a deep immersion in the landscape. Perhaps the camera is a defensive barrier at times but it allows others to assign me a role instantly – “Oh, he’s just taking some photographs,” and that makes them more comfortable even if they would rather not be photographed (a squeamishness that I struggle to understand). I can participate on my own terms and I can be competent. It even allows me to separate myself at times, to go and do something else for a while and then return.
Someone said, “What do you have to lose by joining in?” Not my dignity – that fades with age of course. Not my control because I know how little of that I am allowed. No, I lose my personal comfort and my right to just say “No, I don’t feel happy doing that.” And the right to have that decision respected.
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