I’ve again had a day that could be described as pretty grim. It started with another misunderstanding between David and I, progressed through a terrible, tearful journey to my office and then bombardment by ‘challenges’ from the team.

The journey was in part tearful because of the fact that I’m away again but this was compounded by my lack of ‘laughter’ reading material. Since I’ve been ‘in the grand plan’, I’ve had a complete ban on reading material that is anything other than happy or funny because, in my emotional state, it’s all I can cope with. I picked up a book from my book pile (the pile of books I’ve bought while browsing the shelves of Waterstones/Ottakers et al and thought ‘oh, yes, I fancy reading that’….it’s always about a dozen books high because I love browsing the booksellers but I have, in recent times been skimming off the funny stuff and buying more of such like while shunning the serious.) Today, I found myself with the prospect of a long journey and no funny books left so I picked up ‘The Waiting Time’ by Sara Banerji. I knew it would be sad from the review on the cover but it was that or spend the journey without a book and that seemed unthinkable at the time.

Now I wish I’d just sat and daydreamed out of the window or worked because I have devoured this compulsive book in one sitting (almost – I’ll finish it tonight) and although in another, happier, more settled time, I’d have loved it for its wonderful, gripping narrative, today it was just what I didn’t need. It is about the lonely. That’s me when I’m travelling so I have compounded my misery with more sadness.

I found myself longing for the solace and comfort of my family so I phoned my folks and asked them if they’d bring my Nan to see me tomorrow for supper. I was so thrilled and relieved when they accepted. You have to bear in mind that I’m a
REALLY bad daughter and granddaughter so I don’t deserve their kindness – I missed my Nan’s birthday last week and am notorious for not spending time with them all. It’s a completely crap and glib defence to say ‘I’m so desperately busy’ but it’s the only one I’ve got.

Anyway, thankfully, my cavalier disregard for all of my rellies was not held against me and I ended up sobbing with relief at the thought that I will get a cuddle tomorrow from my folks who never (at least never knowingly) judge me or my actions.

I can’t tell you how much that has helped me to hang on today while I’m in the pit and wondering if I can make it to the end of the ‘grand plan’ without ending up orchestrating my own downfall. I just keep feeling I am one moment away from falling into the abyss and that’s what this photo is about – hanging on by the fingertips hoping that rescue will come.

The parallels with the Sara Banerji novel strike me as only too real. Though her plight was far, far worse than mine, the heroine was always just a moment away from her dreams but never fulfilled any of them. She was seventy years old and still unfulfilled. I hope that I don’t end up the same way.

Two years ago, we were at the cinema and I spotted a tree that looked as though it had been dolloped with raspberry jam and last year, I had my priorities right and now I find myself so far away from that thing that I've looked up the photo to find its code so I can link back to it and I'm sitting at my desk, arm scalded from falling over this morning with a cup of coffee in my hand, welling up.....